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All the jokes on this page have been submitted to us since June 97 by visitors to our site and we are grateful to all of them for their efforts. Get your name published on the web with your own joke. We'll even include your email address if you like!


Star Joke Rating - this really made us laugh!

The local bar was so sure that its bartender was the strongest man around that they offered a standing $1000 bet. The bartender would squeeze a lemon until all the juice ran into a glass, and hand the lemon to a patron. Anyone who could squeeze one more drop of juice out would win the bet.
Many people had tried over time (weight-lifters, body builders, etc.) but nobody could do it. One day a scrawny little man came in, wearing thick glasses and a polyester suit, and said in a tiny, squeaky voice, "I'd like to try the bet."
After the laughter had died down, the bartender said OK, grabbed a lemon, and squeezed away. Then he handed the wrinkled remains of the rind to the little man.
The crowd's laughter turned to total silence as the man clenched his fist around the lemon and six drops fell into the glass. As the crowd cheered, the bartender paid the $1000, and asked the little man, "What do you do for a living? Are you a lumberjack, a weightlifter, or what?"
The man replied, "I work for the IRS (Income Tax Office)".........................

You know, it's so dry out there, the trees are fighting over the dogs!

From FR in Canada!


  • Question? "Where can you find a legless spider?"
  • Answer! "Where you left it!"
  • Question? "What is black and white and red all over?"
  • Answer! "A newspaper!"
  • Question? "Why did the cow jump over the moon?"
  • Answer! "Because the farmer had cold hands!"

  • Question? "Why do people carry Umbrellas?"
  • Answer! "Because Umbrellas can't walk, can they?"

Submitted by Enlane - email your comments to him?


I heard that they have stopped the spread of AIDS - F**d Motors gave it a part number and now you can't get it!!

From JP


A collection from LOL!

I live in a small town. Not too many bad things happen here. Well the other day we had a murder. Yes, a murder. Some poor 25 year old guy was found face down in the creek. He was half in the water and half out - with corn flakes scattered all over his body. Folks here figure it's a serial killer!

What do you get when you cross a clam with an owl?
A muscle that stays up all night!!
Duck goes into a bar and asks the bartender, "Got any grapes?"
"No" says the bartender, "get out of my bar" Out he goes
Duck walks into the bar 5 minutes later and asks the bartender "Got any grapes?"
Bartender says, "NO!, get out of my bar! You come in one more time and I'm going to nail your beak shut." Out he goes.
The Duck comes back 5 minutes later and says to the bartender, "got any nails?"
Bartender, "No!?!"
Duck says, "Good, got any grapes?"

  • She was only the stableman's daughter, but all the horse manure.
  • She was only an ice cream sales girl, but she'd been a wafer too long
  • She was only the Sergeant Major's daughter, but she knew what Reggie meant

From RH


Waiter, Waiter! There's a frog in my soup
I'm sorry sir, the kitchen ran out of flies!

What do you call a woman that works like a man?
LAZY!

Some miscellaneous jokes

  • A Duck walks into a drugs store (pharmacy) and says give me some chapstick and put it on my bill.
What do you get when you cross the Titanic with the Atlantic Ocean?
Halfway.
How do you get a one-armed blonde down from a telephone pole?
Wave to her
How can you tell when a blond has been using your computer?
By the White-out on the screen.

What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground Beef!


From ISH

  • Question? "What did the fish say when it hit the wall?"
  • Answer! "Dam"

From RW!

"Mummy! Mummy! Everyone calls me a werewolf".
"Shut up son, and comb your face before dinner".

This man went into a DIY merchants yard and said,
"Give me 27,342 bricks please!"
The DIY merchant said,"What are you going to use all those for?"
The man said,
"I want to build a barbecue!"
The DIY merchant said,
"You don't need 27,342 bricks just to build a Barbecue!"
The man said,
"You do if you live on the twelfth floor!!"

He's so stupid that if you look into his eyes you can see the back of his head!. (from SteveD)

He's so stupid that he sold his car for gasoline money. (from Roy)

He's so stupid, he thinks Manual Labor is a Mexican peasant.

He's so stupid, he got hit by a parked car.



Think you can do better? Sure you can! Why not email your joke for inclusion in our visitors section to us at jokes@makeemlaugh.com. Please email jokes with your name and state or country for publication. Please let us have you name, address and telephone number (not for publication) and your email address indicating if you would like us to publish it with your joke!

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