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More dumb definitions (or is it definitions of dumb?

One taco short of a deluxe Mexican dinner.

He who laughs last thinks slowest!

He's so dumb that if he stood on his tongue, he'd be the tallest man in the world (from Joni)

In every category, he makes his way to the bottom--but he's still three coils short of a slinky.

If ignorance is bliss, he must be the happiest guy in town.

Not the sharpest pencil in the box.

Who put "stop payment" on his reality check?

His gene pool needs more chlorine.

He's not the coldest beer in the fridge.

He doesn't run on all eight cylinders.

One can short of a six-pack.

Missed being retarded by a couple of minutes

Two bats are still awake in a cave in the middle of the day. They are starving as they had nothing to eat all night.

One of them said to the other,

"I can't take this awful hunger any more , day light or no day light I'm going to get something to eat, I shall fly as fast as I can and not stop till I get back."

So off he goes quick as lightning and comes back two seconds later with blood dripping from his fangs,

"Amazing, how did you get food so fast" said the other bat.

"Come over here" said the bat, " you see that tree over there.........well I didn't !!"

How do you repair a Tuba?

With a Tuba glue!

What is the difference between a stag chased by hunters and a midget witch?

One is a hunted stag, and the other is a stunted hag.

"I told husband he'd better go apply for SSI."

"But why?"

"He has a disability - he's male!"

From Fawad!

3 government officials were discussing if marriage is more fun than work.

"It's half and half", said the first.

"No, it's 10 % fun and 80% work", said the second.

"No, it's the other way round", disagreed the 3rd.

They argued for ages and finally decided to ask their clerk to resolve the matter, since he was a man of experience in life.

"Sirs", he replied, "It's 100% fun".

"What", cried the three, "And how do you come to that conclusion?"

"Well, "replied the clerk, "if there were 1% chance of work in it then you would have asked me to do it!"

There was a parrot that used belonged to a sailor. The parrot was sold to a pet store that didn't know what bad language the sailor had taught the bird. One day an elegant lady came in the pet store and asked the owner if the bird could talk.

"Oh yes, and he's very well-mannered", said the shop keeper.

"Then I'll take him to keep me company" said the lady! That night she was having her Pastor and his wife over for supper. Eager to show off her new pet, the lady told the parrot to say something nice for the Pastor.

"@#$%^&*!" said the bird (bad talk)

Grabbing the bird by the throat the lady apologized to the Pastor and declared that she was putting the parrot in the freezer for 15 minutes until he learned some manners. 15 minutes later, the lady took the bird out of the freezer-frost covering it's quivering body and icicles hanging from it's beak.

"Will you behave now?", asked the lady

"Yes Maam", squeaked the frozen Parrot, "But I have one question?"

"If I got 15 minutes for what I said, what in the world did that poor turkey do that was in there?"

A string walks into a bar and the bartender says

"We don't serve strings here so get out"

So the string walks outside, unravels himself and ties himself together and then walks back into the bar.

The bartender says

"Aren't you the string that was just in here?"

And the string says,

"I'm a frayed knot"

A married couple were involved in a terrible accident where the woman's face was severely burned and much of her body damaged. The doctor told the husband that they couldn't graft any skin from his wife because of the accident but that his skin was compatible. So the husband offered to donate some of his own skin.

However, the only skin on his body that the doctor felt was suitable would have to come from his buttocks. The husband and wife agreed that they would tell no one about where the skin came from, and requested that the doctor also honor their secret. After all, this was a very delicate matter.

After the surgery was completed, everyone was astounded at the woman's new beauty. She looked more beautiful than she ever had before! All her friends and relatives just went on and on about her youthful beauty. One day, she was alone with her husband, and she was overcome with emotion at his sacrifices. She said, "Dear, I just want to thank you for for everything you did for me. There is no way I could ever repay you."

"My darling", he replied, "think nothing of it. I get all the thanks I need every time I see your mother kiss you on the cheek."

If a athlete gets athlete's foot what does an astronaut get?

Missile toe!!!

Do you know what the guy said when he walked into the bar? - "Ouch"

A burglar breaks into a home and as soon as he walks in he hears, "Jesus is watching you." He looks around, and sees nothing. He walks towards the VCR and again he hears, "Jesus is watching you." He looks up and down and around, and still sees nothing.

He begins to unhook the VCR and again hears, "Jesus is watching you."! He looks in the corner and sees a parrot in a cage, and asks the parrot, "Was that you who said that?" The parrot replies, "Yes, it was I"

The burglar asks the parrot what his name and the parrot replies, "Moses."

The man asks him what kind of idiot would name a parrot Moses, and the bird replies "The same idiot who would name a Doberman 'Jesus'."

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