Visitors Voicemail (Answer Phone) Messages


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Here's ideas for some answerphone messages from a visitor from Australian supplemented by other visitors. Neat idea - lets have more! No one likes recording Voicemail or Answer phone messages - so try a few of our suggestions!


Hello. You have reached Mallory's answering service. She can't take your call but she LOVES to return phone calls. Leave a message and she'll get back to you. Oh. If you're calling for her mother, she'll call you back too!


Hello?..Oh, hold on..no, Mel..the elephant has to stay outside..I'm sorry but he won't fit through the door. Okay..who is this? No Sally...the tiger can't play with the monkey...and get that gorilla back in it's cage. Look..I'm sorry..it's a real zoo around here. You'll have to leave a message. I'll call you back.

"A is for academics, B is for beer. One of those reasons is why we're not here. So leave a message."

(Narrator's voice:) "There Mel sits, reading a magazine. Suddenly the telephone rings! The bathroom explodes into a veritable maelstrom of toilet paper, with Mel in the middle of it, his arms windmilling at incredible speeds! Will he make it in time? Alas no, his valiant effort is in vain. The tone hath sounded. Thou must leave a message."

"Hi........................................................................... ... Now you say something."

"Hi, I'm not home right now but my answering machine is, so you can talk to it instead. Wait for the bleep."

My husband and I can't come to the phone right now, but if you leave your name and number, we'll get back to you as soon as we've finished."

"Hello. I am Mel's answering machine. What are you?"

(From Japanese friend in Iceland) "He-lo! This is Sa-to. If you leave message, I call you soon. If you leave *sexy* message, I call sooner!"

"Hi! Mel's answering machine is broken. This is his refrigerator. Please speak very slowly, and I'll stick your message to myself with one of these magnets."

"Hello, this is Sally's microwave. Her answering machine just eloped with her tape deck, so I'm stuck with taking her calls. Say, if you want anything cooked while you leave your message, just hold it up to the phone."

"This is not an answering machine - this is a telepathic thought-recording device. After the tone, think about your name, your reason for calling, and a number where I can reach you, and I'll think about returning your call."

"Hi. I am probably home, I'm just avoiding someone I don't like. Leave me a message, and if I don't call back, it's you."

"Hi, this is Mel . I'm sorry I can't answer the phone right now. Leave a message, and then wait by your phone until I call you back."

"If you are a burglar, then we're probably at home cleaning our weapons right now and can't come to the phone. Otherwise, we probably aren't home and it's safe to leave us a message."

"You're growing tired. Your eyelids are getting heavy. You feel very sleepy now. You are gradually losing your willpower and your ability to resist suggestions. When you hear the tone you will feel helplessly compelled to leave your name, number, and a message."

"You have reached the CPX-2000 Voice Blackmail System. Your voice patterns are now being digitally encoded and stored for later use. Once this is done, our computers will be able to use the sound of YOUR voice for literally thousands of illegal and immoral purposes. There is no charge for this initial consultation. However our staff of professional extortionists will contact you in the near future to further explain the benefits of our service, and to arrange for your schedule of payment. Remember to speak clearly at the sound of the tone. Thank you."

"Please leave a message. However, you have the right to remain silent. Everything you say will be recorded and will be used by us."

"Hello, you are talking to a machine. I am capable of recording messages. My owners do not need double glazing, or a whirlpool tub, and their carpets are clean. They give to charity through the office and don't need their photograph taken. If you're still with me, leave your name and number and they will get back to you."

Hi! You have reached the Mel's residence. he's not home right now............wait a minute I think I see him coming........


From DCW - kinda cute!

"Whitmire residence, thank you for calling.
No one can come to the phone, so we're stalling.
If you're trying to sell what we have no need for,
Or want us to give all our funds to the poor.
If you're offering a service where everything's free,
Or paying to switch us to AT&T,
WE REALLY ARE BUSY.
We really don't care to hear your whole spiel
Or to purchase your wares.
If we aren't the people you thought you were calling
HANG UP! That's what you get for misdialling.
If you're someone we know and we've not answered yet,
Leaving a message would be your best bet!"

Think you can do better? Sure you can! Why not email your joke for inclusion in our visitors section to us at jokes@makeemlaugh.com. Please email jokes with your name and state or country for publication. Please let us have you name, address and telephone number (not for publication) and your email address indicating if you would like us to publish it with your joke!

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