A Waiter had badly injured his leg and was lying on a trolley in casualty waiting for assistance. Suddenly he saw a Doctor walk past.
"Doctor, please help me" said the waiter, "I've been here for over 3 hours!"
"I'm sorry", said the Doctor, "but it's not my table!"
"Gosh", said the woman to the man sitting opposite her. "You look just like my fifth husband."
"Really" said the man, "And how many husbands have you had?"
A business man was interviewing four very different applicants from his short list for the position of divisional manager. He devised a simple test to select the most suitable person for the job. He asked each applicant the question, "What is two and two?"
The first interviewee was a journalist. His answer was "Twenty-two."
The second applicant was an engineer. He pulled out a slide rule and showed the answer to be between 3.999 and 4.001.
The next person was a lawyer. He stated that in the case of Jenkins v Cromwell two and two was proven to be four.
The last applicant was an accountant. When the business man asked him, "How much is two and two?", the accountant got up from his chair, went over and closed the door. He came back, sat down, leaned across the desk and said in a low voice, "How much do you want it to be?"
He got the job.
A father was driving home late one evening when he suddenly realizes that it is his daughter's birthday and that he hasn't bought her anything. Out the corner of his eye he sees a shopping mall, and pulling his car across three lanes of traffic, finds a parking spot and runs into the mall.
After a frantic search he finds a toy store, goes inside and attracts the attention of a salesman. When asked what his daughter might like, the only thing he can think of is a Barbie doll".
The salesman looks at him in the particularly condescending manner that only salesmen can muster and asks "Which Barbie would that be, sir?"
John bought his new colleague, Peter, home for dinner. As they arrived at the door his wife rushed up, threw her arms around John and kissed him passionately.
"My goodness", said Peter, "and how long have you been married?"
"22 years", replied John.
"You must have a fantastic marriage if your wife greets you like that after all those years."
"Don't be fooled! She only does it to make the dog jealous."
This man went into a bar. The barman said, "What can I get you?"
He replied, "I am afraid I am broke, is there any chance that you could let me have a drink and I will pay you back next week?"
The barman said, "Sorry, but the bar policy is you pay or no drink."
The man said, "Is there no way that I can get a drink?"
The barman said, "Well I could buy you one - that wouldn't be contrary to Bar Policy, but you would have to do something pretty good to get me to buy you a drink."
The man said, "How's about this?" and reaching into his pocket he brought out a possum dressed in Top Hat and Tails, wearing patent leather shoes and carrying an umbrella. He placed the Possum on the bar and clicked his fingers and the Possum started to hum 'Singing in the Rain' and tap danced down the counter jumping up and down in the beer puddles and all the time twirling the umbrella.
The barman said, "Oh boy, that IS something. Here, have a drink on me!"
The man drank it down and said, Can I have another one please?". "Well, yes", said the barman, "If you can top that last act, but I doubt that you can."
The man said, "How's about this then?" and reaching into his other pocket brought out a frog also in Top Hat and Tails and placed it down beside the Possum. The frog croaked and then began to sing an aria from Puccini with a voice that filled the bar and was a perfect imitation of Pavarotti - everyone in the bar crowded around to listen.
The barman said, "Wow two class acts - here have another beer!"
One of the audience said, "How much do you want for the frog?" and the man said, "$300!" The chap said, "Done!" shoved $300 in his hand and ran out of the bar with the frog.
The barman said, "You idiot! You should have charged him more than that - that frog is worth a fortune!"
The man said, "I can always get another frog - it's the possum that's the ventriloquist!"
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