Long Stories to Tell


A Waiter had badly injured his leg and was lying on a trolley in casualty waiting for assistance. Suddenly he saw a Doctor walk past.

"Doctor, please help me" said the waiter, "I've been here for over 3 hours!"

"I'm sorry", said the Doctor, "but it's not my table!"Jester Logo


"Gosh", said the woman to the man sitting opposite her. "You look just like my fifth husband."

"Really" said the man, "And how many husbands have you had?"

"Four!"Jester Logo


The woman was admiring her friends brand new designer coat.
"How did you get your husband to buy that for you", she enquired.
"It was easy, I caught him kissing the maid."
"Did you fire the maid?"
"Oh no! I still need a new hat"

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A missionary was captured in darkest Africa by cannibals and put into a pot to cook. As the natives began to prepare the fire underneath the pot and the missionary prayed, the chief came up and started to talk to him in perfect English!
"How did you learn to speak such excellent English?", asked the astonished missionary.
"I went to Cambridge!", the chief replied
"You went to Cambridge and you still eat people!", said the missionary indignantly.
"Ah yes", came the reply, "but now I use a Knife and Fork!"

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A business man was interviewing four very different applicants from his short list for the position of divisional manager. He devised a simple test to select the most suitable person for the job. He asked each applicant the question, "What is two and two?"

The first interviewee was a journalist. His answer was "Twenty-two."

The second applicant was an engineer. He pulled out a slide rule and showed the answer to be between 3.999 and 4.001.

The next person was a lawyer. He stated that in the case of Jenkins v Cromwell two and two was proven to be four.

The last applicant was an accountant. When the business man asked him, "How much is two and two?", the accountant got up from his chair, went over and closed the door. He came back, sat down, leaned across the desk and said in a low voice, "How much do you want it to be?"

He got the job.


A father was driving home late one evening when he suddenly realizes that it is his daughter's birthday and that he hasn't bought her anything. Out the corner of his eye he sees a shopping mall, and pulling his car across three lanes of traffic, finds a parking spot and runs into the mall.

After a frantic search he finds a toy store, goes inside and attracts the attention of a salesman. When asked what his daughter might like, the only thing he can think of is a Barbie doll".

The salesman looks at him in the particularly condescending manner that only salesmen can muster and asks "Which Barbie would that be, sir?"

As the would be shopper looked disconcerted, the sales assistant continues, "Well, we have:
Barbie Goes to the Gym for $19.95 or
Barbie Goes to the Ball for $19.95 or
Barbie Goes Shopping for $19.95 or
Barbie Goes to the Beach for $19.95 or
Barbie Goes Night Clubbing for $19.95 and finally
Divorced Barbie for $265.00"
The man can't help himself and asks "Why is Divorced Barbie $265.00 when all the other Barbies are selling for $19.95?"
"That's obvious, Sir!", says the salesman, "Divorced Barbie comes with Ken's house, Ken's car, Ken's furniture....."

John bought his new colleague, Peter, home for dinner. As they arrived at the door his wife rushed up, threw her arms around John and kissed him passionately.

"My goodness", said Peter, "and how long have you been married?"

"22 years", replied John.

"You must have a fantastic marriage if your wife greets you like that after all those years."

"Don't be fooled! She only does it to make the dog jealous."Jester Logo


This man went into a bar. The barman said, "What can I get you?"

He replied, "I am afraid I am broke, is there any chance that you could let me have a drink and I will pay you back next week?"

The barman said, "Sorry, but the bar policy is you pay or no drink."

The man said, "Is there no way that I can get a drink?"

The barman said, "Well I could buy you one - that wouldn't be contrary to Bar Policy, but you would have to do something pretty good to get me to buy you a drink."

The man said, "How's about this?" and reaching into his pocket he brought out a possum dressed in Top Hat and Tails, wearing patent leather shoes and carrying an umbrella. He placed the Possum on the bar and clicked his fingers and the Possum started to hum 'Singing in the Rain' and tap danced down the counter jumping up and down in the beer puddles and all the time twirling the umbrella.

The barman said, "Oh boy, that IS something. Here, have a drink on me!"

The man drank it down and said, Can I have another one please?". "Well, yes", said the barman, "If you can top that last act, but I doubt that you can."

The man said, "How's about this then?" and reaching into his other pocket brought out a frog also in Top Hat and Tails and placed it down beside the Possum. The frog croaked and then began to sing an aria from Puccini with a voice that filled the bar and was a perfect imitation of Pavarotti - everyone in the bar crowded around to listen.

The barman said, "Wow two class acts - here have another beer!"

One of the audience said, "How much do you want for the frog?" and the man said, "$300!" The chap said, "Done!" shoved $300 in his hand and ran out of the bar with the frog.

The barman said, "You idiot! You should have charged him more than that - that frog is worth a fortune!"

The man said, "I can always get another frog - it's the possum that's the ventriloquist!"Jester Logo


A lion strolling through the forest came across a Monkey. He gave a great roar which startled the Monkey out of its wits and growled.
"Who is the Lord of the Jungle?"
The Monkey said,
"You are of course!"
The Lion growled.
"And don't you forget it!"
The Lion walked on through the forest until he came across a Gazelle. He gave a great roar which startled the Gazelle out of its wits and growled.
"Who is the Lord of the Jungle?"
The Gazelle said,
"You are of course!"
The Lion growled.
"And don't you forget it!"
The Lion walked on through the forest until he came across a Zebra. He gave a great roar which startled the Zebra out of its wits and growled.
"Who is the Lord of the Jungle?"
The Zebra said,
"You are of course!"
The Lion growled.
"And don't you forget it!"
The Lion walked on through the forest until he came across a Giraffe. He gave a great roar which startled the Giraffe out of its wits and growled.
"Who is the Lord of the Jungle?"
The Giraffe said,
"You are of course!"
The Lion growled.
"And don't you forget it!"
The Lion walked a bit further and came across an Elephant grazing on the branches of a low tree. He gave a great roar and growled.
"Who is the Lord of the Jungle?"
The Elephant just carried on eating and ignored him. The Lion walked right up under the nose of the Elephant and with a great "AAAARRRRHHHH" of a roar said,
"Who is the Lord of the Jungle?"
The Elephant stopped eating and picking up the Lion in his trunk smashed him several times on the floor and then threw him against the tree. The Lion slid to the floor and slowly pulled himself up to his full height and fluffed out his mane.
"AAAAAHHHHHAAAAARRRRR" he growled. "Who is the Lord of the jungle?"
The Elephant picked him up again in his trunk and swinging the lion around its head smashed him against the tree trunk about five times and then placing him on the floor jumped on him and trampled and trampled him till he was just a soggy mess and then started to slowly feed again. The Lion lay there for five minutes and then slowly pulling himself along the ground managed to regain his feet. He looked at the Elephant and said,
"Look if you don't know the answer just say so - there is no need to get nasty about it!"Jester Logo

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